Trust In A Relationship-How Do You Rebuild It?

If the trust in your relationship has been broken, don't worry, there are steps you can take to repair it. Trust in a relationship is a very precious thing, and without it your relationship will be filled with doubt, anger, suspicion, and probably more lies. And that's no way to have a relationship with anyone.  To trust someone you must first have a realistic viewpoint about people, and the ability to accept failure on occasion.  Not everyone is perfect and we all make the mistake of not being completely truthful sometimes.  Realizing that and accepting that your spouse might make that mistake also, is a mature and realistic viewpoint to have.

But then on the other hand, there are those times when someone can lie a little too often, or cheat, or deceive us in some way that can totally ruin a relationship.  That can make you feel so hurt that you find yourself wondering about trust in a relationship and how do you rebuild it.  Hopefully I can help you with repairing the damage done and get back to the love that you deserve in your life.

First, lets look at what trust is.  When you trust someone it means that you put confidence in that person to be honest with you, not to abandon you, to be faithful and to do as they say they are going to do.  You trust them to care about you and your feelings and what is important to you.

It's also important to know that trust is something that is built over time.  It takes time to know that someone is isn't deceiving you, that they are always doing what they say they are doing, that they honestly care for you.  It takes time to understand a persons character, needs, motivations and fears. You can read more about building trust in your relationship here.

So how do you rebuild trust in your relationship once it has been broken?  I have listed below the steps you can take to start to rebuild the trust in your relationship.  It's important for both partners to be on board for this.  One person in a relationship cannot rebuild the trust if the other is not willing to try.

1.  Agree To Work Together:

It's important that you both agree to work together to repair the damage that has been done.  You must Both understand and agree to the following steps.  So take the time to read through them, discuss them, and come to some kind of agreement.  This will be the start of rebuilding the trust in a relationship.

2.  Talk About The Problem:

Communication is very important in a healthy relationship.  You both must be willing to use effective communication when dealing with problems in your relationship.  The first Biggie is don't blame or accuse!  All That will do is create resistance, conflict and more deception.  You must try to remember, even when your anger or pain is very active, to focus on how what they did made you feel. Instead of saying "I hate it when you (?????), Your such a (????)"  Try saying, "I feel hurt and unloved when your not home", "I feel scared and worried when I don't here from you" Always try to start your sentences with "I Feel" statements rather then "You..." or "It makes..." statements. You want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view.

This will take some time to get used to if it's not something you already do, so be patient with each other while you are learning. But remember, you want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view. If your partner isn't being attacked they will be more willing to listen, empathize, and discuss the problem.

3.  Explain Why Things Went Wrong:

If rebuilding trust in your relationship is important to you, and you are the one who deceived your spouse, then you need to know how important an explanation is for your behavior.  Without a reasonable explanation your spouse will feel out-of-control and it will be very difficult for them to move on. First, it's important to acknowledge your spouses feelings, listen attentively and hear what they are saying and feeling.  Don't try to explain your behavior away, or blame your behavior on them.  And giving an explanation to quickly will feel false, like there is something you are hiding.  So, when your spouse asks for an explanation then that's when you give one.  Be honest! If you went out with the girls/guys and didn't say anything to your spouse, then tell them why, but don't forget to start out with what you were feeling -  "I didn't want to feel left out", "I felt they would think I was whipped". Were you unfaithful? How about -  "I feel you don't have time for me anymore."  Remember to focus on the feelings underlying what happened without blaming a partner for what happened (see, talk about problems).

4.  Understanding Your Partner's Feelings:

Understanding how our spouse feels is important if you are trying to rebuild trust in a relationship.  The lose of trust can be a very painful experience.  Your spouse could be feeling hurt, confused, angry and sad.  It is important to try and understand each other's point of view - to understand the feelings and emotions. Understanding will help you both to move beyond negative feelings.  Try to see the situation from the others point of view and understand why the other person is so upset - "you are really mad and hurt...you have every right to be, I messed up".  Basically agree that your spouses feelings are right and let them know that you understand. Understanding why a person is upset will help defuse the situation and make it easier to get through it. Take the time to understand each others feelings, it will benefit your relationship immensely.


5.  Apologize:

When rebuilding trust in your relationship it helps to apologize correctly.  Yes, there is a correct way!  First of all don't apologize to quickly, most people do.  Apologizing to quickly when caught doing something wrong only sounds insincere.  It only looks like your trying to appease your spouse instead of feeling genuinely sorry.  Once again, it's important to first make your spouse feel that you understand how they feel.  That you have listened to what it is they have to say.  Then just apologize..."I'm sorry I hurt you....I was wrong"  You don't need to carry it out, but be sincere.

6.  Forgiveness:

Forgiveness and commitment are as important in a healthy relationship as honesty is.  Remember, we are all fallible, we all make mistakes. For any relationship to work we must be willing to forgive our spouse for mistakes made.  Forgiveness gives you a Chance to start over.  If you have both practiced the steps given, then it should be easy to forgive.  When you understand what another is feeling then forgiving them just naturally follows.  Let them know that you are glad they expressed how they felt, that they apologized, that you understand and forgive them. Once you have forgiven them it's important that you never bring up what they did in a accusing manner. That just shows that you haven't forgiven them and that anything they do will be used against them in the future.  There goes honesty! And trust.

7.  Promises:

Once trust has been violated in a relationship and the steps above have been made, then the final step is to make a promise agreement.  This can be written down and signed by both people, kind of a contract.  This is an important step in rebuilding trust in a relationship where the trust has been broken.  If followed it will help to rebuild the trust.

This is a promise about future behavior and mutually agreed upon, something that can be accomplished and related to the trust that was broken.  If you didn't phone home when you were going to be late, then the promise should be that you will phone home everyday (for a month) when you leave work.  Do Not Break these promises that you both agree to, it can do more harm then the original mistake.  So make sure that they are reasonable and do-able.

Remember a relationship is only as good as what you put into it.  So put your heart into it. Good Luck.

Please check out my other posts on Trust in relationships:




Building Trust In Your Relationship  and Trust In A Relationship-Is It Important?

Building Trust In Your Relationship

Building trust in your relationship is vitally important for a long term healthy relationship.  So how do you build trust in a relationship and maintain it.  Well, hopefully you or your mate aren't compulsive lier's and if that is the case then I would suggest some professional counseling.  Otherwise, please read on and we will discuss the important factors to building trust in your relationship.

There are several important rules to maintaining a trusting honest relationship.  These tips are great if you are just starting out so be sure to read them, discuss them with your date and make a promise to each other to try to maintain them. If you are in a long term relationship and are having problems with the trust issue then the following tips will give you a clear goal to reach, but you may want to read upcoming articles that will help you and your mate rebuild the trust in your relationship.

The first thing you always want to do in any relationship is to be predictable.  Always do what it is you say you are going to do.  If you are to be someplace at a particular time, then its important to be there at that time.  If you promise to call, then call.  It's really not that hard, and no it doesn't mean you are whipped!  It shows the person that you care about that you value your relationship with them.

Be honest about how you are feeling.  Don't tell your mate that dinner at ??? is fine when you can't stand their food.  It will show up in how you act and carry yourself.  Just be honest.  Let them know how you feel and suggest another place. When we try to hide how we feel then it shows up in other ways, being irritated, cranky, and leaves your mate wondering what it was they did wrong.  Just be honest.

Don't keep secrets (unless it for a surprise party for them).  Secrets not only create a situation where you will have to tell more lies but they will eventually reveal themselves, and when they do they trust will be broken, plain and simple.  Plus keeping secrets creates a lot of anxiety which is really bad for you, so just be truthful.

Saying NO is Okay, so if your mate asks you to do something your are uncomfortable doing or don't enjoy, or just plain don't want to then let them know.  There is nothing worse then finding out down the road that your mate really didn't want to do a particular thing for you.  I'm sure your response to them would be "Why didn't you tell me you didn't like that?"
That will create some doubt in your relationship, which can spiral out of control.  So don't be afraid to say NO.

If your mate asks, be honest about your past.  It's fine to let them know that your are not comfortable about opening up about some things, but knowing where you have been and what you have experienced will help them to understand you better. If they react negatively then it's best to know upfront rather then down the line.

In summary, building trust in your relationship will take work, and at times it can be scary.  It has a way of opening you up and making yourself vulnerable, but if your relationship is going to be a good one then it needs to start out with a lot of trust and honesty. 

Trust In A Relationship-Is It Important?

Trust in a relationship is a very important aspect of the relationship, for without trust the relationship is doomed. To trust someone is to believe in them, To have no doubt about what they tell you and their actions when you are apart. It is based on honesty, integrity and credibility.  It is very important to develop and keep trust in a relationship for once the trust is broken, then the relationship is broken.

Wiki defines trust as:  One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; he can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired.

So let's examine this thing called trust a little closer.  As a relationship begins a person believes without much proof what the other is saying and doing, the trust hasn't been broken so there is no reason to doubt.  As the relationship grows and two people start depending and relying on each other, the opportunity for trust to be broken becomes larger.  We have all heard about little white lies.  Well, too many little white lies adds up after awhile. I also believe that the individual integrity of a person and their past hurts will affect their ability to be truthful or to trust their partner.

If a person has been hurt in the past then after awhile they may start doubting the things you tell them.  They start having doubts about whether the other person can be trusted.  Are they really going to their Mothers?  Are they really going to help their friend?  The little nagging doubts are constantly in their head, and trying to maintain any kind of trusting relationship with them can prove to be very difficult.  It will take a lot of work and Patience on you part to build that trusting relationship.

On the other hand you might be seeing someone who cannot be truthful.  A recent study by Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers."We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth," Argo told LiveScience. "I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences," she said.

"It's tied in with self-esteem," says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels." Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust.

So if you are just starting out in a relationship or are in a relationship and have concerns about trust in a relationship then please read my article "Building Trust In Your Relationship".  It should help your current situation or give you some useful advice on maintaining trust in a relationship

Surviving a Breakup-Will You Make It Through?

Have you recently broken up with your mate and find that you are going thru a lot of heartache?  Surviving a breakup can be a very difficult thing to have to deal with, not only for you but also your ex.  You probably find that your emotions are very sensitive right now, and that you are dealing with a lot of different feelings, ranging from a deep sadness to a lot of anger. What you need to realize is that these feeling are very normal, and to make it through this breakup will take a lot of strength and persistence on your part.  Although it may feel at this time that you don't have what it takes to make it through, it you follow a little advice, then you will survive this breakup and make it through.

When you are dealing with the overwhelming emotions of surviving a breakup the best thing you can do is to seek out someone you know who has recently been through a breakup and seems to have made it through.  I am sure you have friends that have been through what it is you are now going through.  Ask them how they survived their breakup, and if they have any tips or advice they can give you.  Just knowing that their are other people who have made it through can be a big help.

But let me also give you a few tips on surviving a breakup and how to make it through.  First of all I would like to point out that there will be a lot of emotions that you will feel and will need to go through.  The first can be denial.  Not really believing that your relationship is over.  You will also feel anger, fear, and self doubt.  The biggest one that I have found is a very deep sadness.  This is a sadness that goes to the heart, and people feel this sadness because the dream that they had of a long term happy relationship has ended, and there is no hope of getting it back.  It's very difficult to realize that this sadness will eventually go away.  But if you follow a few tips it will.

First you need to allow yourself to just feel whatever it is your feeling.  If you feel like crying, cry.  If you feel like screaming, scream.  If you feel like being angry, be angry.  Just try to release these emotions either when you are by yourself or with someone who understands and won't take anything personal.  A shoulder to cry on is always nice.

You also need to stay completely away from your ex while you are going through the first stages of a breakup.  That also means no texts or email.  Staying in contact will only make the recovery take longer.  So break off all ties.

When you feel you have reached a place within yourself where you are a little bit calmer, then a ritual that works great is what I suggest you do next.  Take all the pictures and letters of your ex that you have and burn them.  Invite a close friend over and make it a celebration of sorts. This is very significant, it has a way of making your breakup real, and it works, so give it a try. The next thing you will need to do it to return anything you have of your ex'es to them, and retreve anything they may have of yours.  This will also makes it final in your mind.

Now it's time to move on.  If you need more help on surviving a breakup then please read this article, it will give you some more help on surviving a breakup.  And yes, you will make it through.

I wish you all the best.