Trust In A Relationship-How Do You Rebuild It?

If the trust in your relationship has been broken, don't worry, there are steps you can take to repair it. Trust in a relationship is a very precious thing, and without it your relationship will be filled with doubt, anger, suspicion, and probably more lies. And that's no way to have a relationship with anyone.  To trust someone you must first have a realistic viewpoint about people, and the ability to accept failure on occasion.  Not everyone is perfect and we all make the mistake of not being completely truthful sometimes.  Realizing that and accepting that your spouse might make that mistake also, is a mature and realistic viewpoint to have.

But then on the other hand, there are those times when someone can lie a little too often, or cheat, or deceive us in some way that can totally ruin a relationship.  That can make you feel so hurt that you find yourself wondering about trust in a relationship and how do you rebuild it.  Hopefully I can help you with repairing the damage done and get back to the love that you deserve in your life.

First, lets look at what trust is.  When you trust someone it means that you put confidence in that person to be honest with you, not to abandon you, to be faithful and to do as they say they are going to do.  You trust them to care about you and your feelings and what is important to you.

It's also important to know that trust is something that is built over time.  It takes time to know that someone is isn't deceiving you, that they are always doing what they say they are doing, that they honestly care for you.  It takes time to understand a persons character, needs, motivations and fears. You can read more about building trust in your relationship here.

So how do you rebuild trust in your relationship once it has been broken?  I have listed below the steps you can take to start to rebuild the trust in your relationship.  It's important for both partners to be on board for this.  One person in a relationship cannot rebuild the trust if the other is not willing to try.

1.  Agree To Work Together:

It's important that you both agree to work together to repair the damage that has been done.  You must Both understand and agree to the following steps.  So take the time to read through them, discuss them, and come to some kind of agreement.  This will be the start of rebuilding the trust in a relationship.

2.  Talk About The Problem:

Communication is very important in a healthy relationship.  You both must be willing to use effective communication when dealing with problems in your relationship.  The first Biggie is don't blame or accuse!  All That will do is create resistance, conflict and more deception.  You must try to remember, even when your anger or pain is very active, to focus on how what they did made you feel. Instead of saying "I hate it when you (?????), Your such a (????)"  Try saying, "I feel hurt and unloved when your not home", "I feel scared and worried when I don't here from you" Always try to start your sentences with "I Feel" statements rather then "You..." or "It makes..." statements. You want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view.

This will take some time to get used to if it's not something you already do, so be patient with each other while you are learning. But remember, you want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view. If your partner isn't being attacked they will be more willing to listen, empathize, and discuss the problem.

3.  Explain Why Things Went Wrong:

If rebuilding trust in your relationship is important to you, and you are the one who deceived your spouse, then you need to know how important an explanation is for your behavior.  Without a reasonable explanation your spouse will feel out-of-control and it will be very difficult for them to move on. First, it's important to acknowledge your spouses feelings, listen attentively and hear what they are saying and feeling.  Don't try to explain your behavior away, or blame your behavior on them.  And giving an explanation to quickly will feel false, like there is something you are hiding.  So, when your spouse asks for an explanation then that's when you give one.  Be honest! If you went out with the girls/guys and didn't say anything to your spouse, then tell them why, but don't forget to start out with what you were feeling -  "I didn't want to feel left out", "I felt they would think I was whipped". Were you unfaithful? How about -  "I feel you don't have time for me anymore."  Remember to focus on the feelings underlying what happened without blaming a partner for what happened (see, talk about problems).

4.  Understanding Your Partner's Feelings:

Understanding how our spouse feels is important if you are trying to rebuild trust in a relationship.  The lose of trust can be a very painful experience.  Your spouse could be feeling hurt, confused, angry and sad.  It is important to try and understand each other's point of view - to understand the feelings and emotions. Understanding will help you both to move beyond negative feelings.  Try to see the situation from the others point of view and understand why the other person is so upset - "you are really mad and hurt...you have every right to be, I messed up".  Basically agree that your spouses feelings are right and let them know that you understand. Understanding why a person is upset will help defuse the situation and make it easier to get through it. Take the time to understand each others feelings, it will benefit your relationship immensely.


5.  Apologize:

When rebuilding trust in your relationship it helps to apologize correctly.  Yes, there is a correct way!  First of all don't apologize to quickly, most people do.  Apologizing to quickly when caught doing something wrong only sounds insincere.  It only looks like your trying to appease your spouse instead of feeling genuinely sorry.  Once again, it's important to first make your spouse feel that you understand how they feel.  That you have listened to what it is they have to say.  Then just apologize..."I'm sorry I hurt you....I was wrong"  You don't need to carry it out, but be sincere.

6.  Forgiveness:

Forgiveness and commitment are as important in a healthy relationship as honesty is.  Remember, we are all fallible, we all make mistakes. For any relationship to work we must be willing to forgive our spouse for mistakes made.  Forgiveness gives you a Chance to start over.  If you have both practiced the steps given, then it should be easy to forgive.  When you understand what another is feeling then forgiving them just naturally follows.  Let them know that you are glad they expressed how they felt, that they apologized, that you understand and forgive them. Once you have forgiven them it's important that you never bring up what they did in a accusing manner. That just shows that you haven't forgiven them and that anything they do will be used against them in the future.  There goes honesty! And trust.

7.  Promises:

Once trust has been violated in a relationship and the steps above have been made, then the final step is to make a promise agreement.  This can be written down and signed by both people, kind of a contract.  This is an important step in rebuilding trust in a relationship where the trust has been broken.  If followed it will help to rebuild the trust.

This is a promise about future behavior and mutually agreed upon, something that can be accomplished and related to the trust that was broken.  If you didn't phone home when you were going to be late, then the promise should be that you will phone home everyday (for a month) when you leave work.  Do Not Break these promises that you both agree to, it can do more harm then the original mistake.  So make sure that they are reasonable and do-able.

Remember a relationship is only as good as what you put into it.  So put your heart into it. Good Luck.

Please check out my other posts on Trust in relationships:




Building Trust In Your Relationship  and Trust In A Relationship-Is It Important?

Building Trust In Your Relationship

Building trust in your relationship is vitally important for a long term healthy relationship.  So how do you build trust in a relationship and maintain it.  Well, hopefully you or your mate aren't compulsive lier's and if that is the case then I would suggest some professional counseling.  Otherwise, please read on and we will discuss the important factors to building trust in your relationship.

There are several important rules to maintaining a trusting honest relationship.  These tips are great if you are just starting out so be sure to read them, discuss them with your date and make a promise to each other to try to maintain them. If you are in a long term relationship and are having problems with the trust issue then the following tips will give you a clear goal to reach, but you may want to read upcoming articles that will help you and your mate rebuild the trust in your relationship.

The first thing you always want to do in any relationship is to be predictable.  Always do what it is you say you are going to do.  If you are to be someplace at a particular time, then its important to be there at that time.  If you promise to call, then call.  It's really not that hard, and no it doesn't mean you are whipped!  It shows the person that you care about that you value your relationship with them.

Be honest about how you are feeling.  Don't tell your mate that dinner at ??? is fine when you can't stand their food.  It will show up in how you act and carry yourself.  Just be honest.  Let them know how you feel and suggest another place. When we try to hide how we feel then it shows up in other ways, being irritated, cranky, and leaves your mate wondering what it was they did wrong.  Just be honest.

Don't keep secrets (unless it for a surprise party for them).  Secrets not only create a situation where you will have to tell more lies but they will eventually reveal themselves, and when they do they trust will be broken, plain and simple.  Plus keeping secrets creates a lot of anxiety which is really bad for you, so just be truthful.

Saying NO is Okay, so if your mate asks you to do something your are uncomfortable doing or don't enjoy, or just plain don't want to then let them know.  There is nothing worse then finding out down the road that your mate really didn't want to do a particular thing for you.  I'm sure your response to them would be "Why didn't you tell me you didn't like that?"
That will create some doubt in your relationship, which can spiral out of control.  So don't be afraid to say NO.

If your mate asks, be honest about your past.  It's fine to let them know that your are not comfortable about opening up about some things, but knowing where you have been and what you have experienced will help them to understand you better. If they react negatively then it's best to know upfront rather then down the line.

In summary, building trust in your relationship will take work, and at times it can be scary.  It has a way of opening you up and making yourself vulnerable, but if your relationship is going to be a good one then it needs to start out with a lot of trust and honesty. 

Trust In A Relationship-Is It Important?

Trust in a relationship is a very important aspect of the relationship, for without trust the relationship is doomed. To trust someone is to believe in them, To have no doubt about what they tell you and their actions when you are apart. It is based on honesty, integrity and credibility.  It is very important to develop and keep trust in a relationship for once the trust is broken, then the relationship is broken.

Wiki defines trust as:  One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; he can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired.

So let's examine this thing called trust a little closer.  As a relationship begins a person believes without much proof what the other is saying and doing, the trust hasn't been broken so there is no reason to doubt.  As the relationship grows and two people start depending and relying on each other, the opportunity for trust to be broken becomes larger.  We have all heard about little white lies.  Well, too many little white lies adds up after awhile. I also believe that the individual integrity of a person and their past hurts will affect their ability to be truthful or to trust their partner.

If a person has been hurt in the past then after awhile they may start doubting the things you tell them.  They start having doubts about whether the other person can be trusted.  Are they really going to their Mothers?  Are they really going to help their friend?  The little nagging doubts are constantly in their head, and trying to maintain any kind of trusting relationship with them can prove to be very difficult.  It will take a lot of work and Patience on you part to build that trusting relationship.

On the other hand you might be seeing someone who cannot be truthful.  A recent study by Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers."We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth," Argo told LiveScience. "I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences," she said.

"It's tied in with self-esteem," says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels." Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust.

So if you are just starting out in a relationship or are in a relationship and have concerns about trust in a relationship then please read my article "Building Trust In Your Relationship".  It should help your current situation or give you some useful advice on maintaining trust in a relationship

Surviving a Breakup-Will You Make It Through?

Have you recently broken up with your mate and find that you are going thru a lot of heartache?  Surviving a breakup can be a very difficult thing to have to deal with, not only for you but also your ex.  You probably find that your emotions are very sensitive right now, and that you are dealing with a lot of different feelings, ranging from a deep sadness to a lot of anger. What you need to realize is that these feeling are very normal, and to make it through this breakup will take a lot of strength and persistence on your part.  Although it may feel at this time that you don't have what it takes to make it through, it you follow a little advice, then you will survive this breakup and make it through.

When you are dealing with the overwhelming emotions of surviving a breakup the best thing you can do is to seek out someone you know who has recently been through a breakup and seems to have made it through.  I am sure you have friends that have been through what it is you are now going through.  Ask them how they survived their breakup, and if they have any tips or advice they can give you.  Just knowing that their are other people who have made it through can be a big help.

But let me also give you a few tips on surviving a breakup and how to make it through.  First of all I would like to point out that there will be a lot of emotions that you will feel and will need to go through.  The first can be denial.  Not really believing that your relationship is over.  You will also feel anger, fear, and self doubt.  The biggest one that I have found is a very deep sadness.  This is a sadness that goes to the heart, and people feel this sadness because the dream that they had of a long term happy relationship has ended, and there is no hope of getting it back.  It's very difficult to realize that this sadness will eventually go away.  But if you follow a few tips it will.

First you need to allow yourself to just feel whatever it is your feeling.  If you feel like crying, cry.  If you feel like screaming, scream.  If you feel like being angry, be angry.  Just try to release these emotions either when you are by yourself or with someone who understands and won't take anything personal.  A shoulder to cry on is always nice.

You also need to stay completely away from your ex while you are going through the first stages of a breakup.  That also means no texts or email.  Staying in contact will only make the recovery take longer.  So break off all ties.

When you feel you have reached a place within yourself where you are a little bit calmer, then a ritual that works great is what I suggest you do next.  Take all the pictures and letters of your ex that you have and burn them.  Invite a close friend over and make it a celebration of sorts. This is very significant, it has a way of making your breakup real, and it works, so give it a try. The next thing you will need to do it to return anything you have of your ex'es to them, and retreve anything they may have of yours.  This will also makes it final in your mind.

Now it's time to move on.  If you need more help on surviving a breakup then please read this article, it will give you some more help on surviving a breakup.  And yes, you will make it through.

I wish you all the best. 

How To Attract A Woman

Lets face the facts here, women like eye candy too and will go first for the guy who provides that. But not all good looking guys have a great personality. So don't let the thought that your not good looking enough to attract a woman stop you from trying. A lot of good looking men don't bother to develop an interesting personality and can be very shallow, macho men...a real turn off. Once a woman discoverers this she will soon be looking for something else. It all boils down to how interesting and confident you are, and how you treat a woman.

Women are naturally attracted to men who are well groomed, self confident, have a good sense of humor, can carry on a conversation, are sensitive, and have a life (meaning they don't need to take over yours). So if your goal is How to Attract a Woman, then I feel the best thing you can do is to, first, take a good long look at yourself, not just in the mirror, but also inside. You need to figure out what your qualities are, what your good at and what you can improve on.

This can take a little time, but the end result will be well worth it the effort. So below I will list a few steps you can take to turn yourself into a man that will attract more women.

1. There is a lot of truth to "you can't judge a book by its cover", but we all know that we do, first impressions mean a lot. So the first thing you need to do is to make sure your appearance is at it's best. (your social group will have an influence in this as far as how you dress and wear your hair.) Make sure that you are well groomed and that the clothes you wear are clean and in good shape. Nothing is more of a turn off then cruddy teeth and dirty hair and clothes. So take pride in how you look. Get rid of the fuzz on your face, if you do grow a mustache or beard make sure it's well groomed and looks good on you.

2. If all you do is work and play video games, then it's time to expand. It's important to have things besides work (unless your job is totally fascinating) and video games to talk about. Find a hobby to do and join a group associated with that hobby, join a reading club, not only will you be getting involved in something but it's also a great way to meet someone with the same interest that you have. Volunteer for an organization you would like to be involved in, (politics, food programs, etc...) This is also an opportunity to meet someone and at the same time give something back to the community. Plus make for interesting conversation.

3. Take a class in something that you are interested in doing. It could be cooking (women love this), playing a musical instrument, or maybe something that will advance your career.

4. Be sociable. Don't just sit around hanging with the boys, hovering over your t.V. or Computer. Get out! No one will see you if you don't get out!

5. Don't be afraid to approach a woman and open up a conversation with her. Ya know, the accidental bump-into-her does work as long as it's followed up with an apology and a smile. And you can use what ever you doing at the time (at a club, music in the park, art show...etc...) to open up a conversation. Whatever you do Don't hover and be sure to look her in the eye.

6. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her, it shows her that not only are you interested in her, but that you are confident and sure of yourself, two traits that a women loves. Being a little shy is fine, it will bring out her mothers instinct and want to reassure you that you are fine.

7. Like I said earlier, Don't Hover! It will make her feel like she is being stalked and that you are clingy and needy. Continue on with whatever else you are doing, but make sure to search her out with your eyes on occasion and smile.

8. If you do find someone your interested in while your out, find out what her interests are and where she hangs out. Then learn more about her interests so you will be more informed about the subject. And going to where she goes will give you the opportunity to connect with her more. Just don't hang out there all the time. Try to be a little allusive.

Well I hope these tips will help you on How to Attract a Woman. To get started on your journey on how to attract a women into your life, I would suggest you take action and visit Here.

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What Makes Men Fall In Love

After researching this subject "What Makes Men Fall In Love" I have come to the conclusion that men are just as complicated as women. And that most of the things that we do to attract someone of the opposite sex is just natural.

If I had to sit down and plan how I was going to act to attract a man then I would probably give up. I mean, if it's something that you need to "act" to do, then eventually the act will disappear and he will be left with the natural you. Fortunately for us "what makes men fall in love" will come natural, especially when you run across a man that triggers your pheromones ( in Greek known as the "excitement carrier") and hopefully you will trigger his.

But there are some interesting data I found on this topic on "What Makes Men Fall In Love?" that I know you will find interesting. So keep on reading, I think you will be surprised to realize that a lot of these things are things that you do naturally.

First of all I discovered that men get butterflies in their stomach too! I would have never guessed! And that they really do desire to find someone to fall in love with. That it's not just all about sex. They have that nesting urge in them as much as women do, to just find that one mate to make a home with and to have children with.

So what attributes do women have that makes a man fall in love? From what I have discovered, men have four basic needs, and if he finds these qualities in you then his desire to be with you increase. I have included them below.

The Need To Protect.

Yes, men are wired to nurture. Nurturing and sheltering you from harm makes him feel like a Man. So, letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer to you, it will bring out that instinct to take care of you. So let him take charge on occasion, and be sure to thank him when he does. Here is a list of things that will bring out his superman, and make him feel good.

1. Give him a job to do or ask him for help with something, create opportunities for him to feel needed. And whatever you do don't control the situation, just sit back and let him be the superman.

2. Ask his opinion on so meting and listen. It makes him feel like you value his opinion and his brain.

3. Dress feminine. OK, you don't have to do this all the time, but on occasional it won't hurt. If you like to wear jeans then make sure your underclothing is sexy. Men love soft sexy clothes, they accentuate your feminine nature which ignites his amorous nature. But also on occasion wear his clothes, his shirt at night over you naked body is a real turn-on. His jacket when you get cold. These make him feel like you have chosen him over other guys.

The Need For Freedom

Men need to know that their male identity will still be there when they become attached to a woman. So, it's important that you let him know that you don't expect him to change, that you are not out to fix him. He needs to feel that you understand him and that his identity is safe. Here is a list of other things you can show him to make him feel safe.

1. Turn him down on occasion. It will make him feel more at ease knowing that your life isn't tied around him, that you have your own identity. It will also make him curious, and therefore pursue you more.

2. Share your own fears about commitment, it will make him feel more at ease and that your not out to get him. It will also open up some communication about how you both feel.

3. Change your appearance when you feel like it. Don't ask for his permission or approval. If you want to color your hair or wear a different shade of lipstick, then go for it. This lets him know that there is more then one side to you, which can be exciting.

4. Respect his space. Don't bug him about where he has been or what he does all day. Don't just show up at his door, rummage through his drawers or always checking his cell phone. Allow him his own space. His space is a symbol of independence, so respect it.

5. Appreciate him. Make sure to let him know that you notice the small things he does.

The Need To Shine

Yes, men can be just as insecure as women, even if they don't act it. And they need to know you respect and appreciate them, but they if you can make them feel better about who they are, well that's just a big plus, especially around others. So here are some tips to help you do that
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1. Make him laugh. Tease him about the little stupid things he does, or during the little ha ha moments, like when he falls out of bed during sex. Just try to keep things light and he will treasure you.

2. Be social and drag him along. Most men don't have a lot of social graces, so take the lead and be the social butterfly. He will appreciate you for it, in fact, he might take credit for it.

3. Be intellectual with him, take politics, play scrabble, chess. Men love the mental stimulation, and from his lady is twice as good.

4. Act like the grand prize when you are out with him, it will make him feel very manly.

The Need To Feel Comfort

Did you know there is a chemical (oxytocin) that floods the brain that helps develop attachment, or falling in love? And you know what else, you can help to release these chemicals by making him feel like the two of you fit together, that you are comfortable together. So here are some tips that will make him feel comfortable.

1. Let him see you bath, shower, or groom yourself. This will enhance intimacy, something that nobody else has privy to, just him. Make sure you don't do any of the gross stuff, like bleaching your mustache.

2. Cook together. We all know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but food also spikes the oxytocin levels in him, these chemicals creates good feelings, which he will associate with you.

3. When grocery shopping, buy a few things that he likes, this will make him feel more at home when he comes over.

4. Take little cat naps next to him, or doze off in his arms, he will see you at your most vulnerable and trusting, and make him feel more protective of you.

So, that is what my research has taught me on "What Makes Men Fall in Love?" Basically it all comes down to chemicals and you being a woman and him being a man. But it doesn't hurt to know what makes us tick. Lord knows I could use all the help I can get on trying to figure out what makes men fall in love.

He Dumped Me How Will I Ever Survive

If you are saying "he dumped me.  How will I ever survive?" mere words in an article will not give you comfort.  It may help to know that while you’ve broken up, you are not a broken person.

When you’ve been in the position that "he dumped me," you have two fears.  The first is that you will never recover from the pain.  The second is that no one will ever love you again.

Take heart, dear.  The fear is real.  The pain is real.  But, the situation exists in your head, not in the real world.  While one part of your life may be over, your life is not over.

You still have friends and family who care about you.  In fact, you now have more time to spend with them.  Many times, when you get into an involved romantic relationship, we lose touch with the other people who bring meaning to your life.  You now have a chance to reconnect with them.

In fact, sharing your loss with them may encourage them to share their break up experiences with you.  When you say, "he dumped me," that allows them to be vulnerable about how they've been hurt.  You will begin to see that your pain is not unique.  You will also be able to see that other people have lived full and complete lives after a break up.

In addition to having more time for others who you care about, you will have more time to work on the issues in your life.  Many times, when you are in a relationship, the activities you care about get pushed aside if your boyfriend isn't interested in them.  This is a good time to get re-involved in the things that matter to you.

If no particular activity comes to mind, then maybe you need to get a hobby!  No, really, when you say "he dumped me," what you tell yourself is that you are worthless.  When you take up a new activity and invest in yourself, you prove to yourself that you matter.

There are all kinds of activities you can get involved with.  The best thing to do is to join a group, class, or workshop.  For instance, joining a hiking club will let you meet lots of people who enjoy the great outdoors.  A ballroom dancing class will introduce you to people who enjoy the finer things in life.  A writer’s workshop will be filled with creative types.

As you begin to re-engage with the world, you will lose the sense of desperation you felt when he dumped you.  You will make new friends who share a common interest.  And, you may even meet someone special to spend your time with.

The truth is that you will find someone to date again.  Your soul mate is out there.

Your ex may have done you a favor by breaking up with you because now you have a chance to find someone who fits you better.

And, always remember, the best revenge when "he dumped me" is moving on!