Trust In A Relationship-How Do You Rebuild It?

If the trust in your relationship has been broken, don't worry, there are steps you can take to repair it. Trust in a relationship is a very precious thing, and without it your relationship will be filled with doubt, anger, suspicion, and probably more lies. And that's no way to have a relationship with anyone.  To trust someone you must first have a realistic viewpoint about people, and the ability to accept failure on occasion.  Not everyone is perfect and we all make the mistake of not being completely truthful sometimes.  Realizing that and accepting that your spouse might make that mistake also, is a mature and realistic viewpoint to have.

But then on the other hand, there are those times when someone can lie a little too often, or cheat, or deceive us in some way that can totally ruin a relationship.  That can make you feel so hurt that you find yourself wondering about trust in a relationship and how do you rebuild it.  Hopefully I can help you with repairing the damage done and get back to the love that you deserve in your life.

First, lets look at what trust is.  When you trust someone it means that you put confidence in that person to be honest with you, not to abandon you, to be faithful and to do as they say they are going to do.  You trust them to care about you and your feelings and what is important to you.

It's also important to know that trust is something that is built over time.  It takes time to know that someone is isn't deceiving you, that they are always doing what they say they are doing, that they honestly care for you.  It takes time to understand a persons character, needs, motivations and fears. You can read more about building trust in your relationship here.

So how do you rebuild trust in your relationship once it has been broken?  I have listed below the steps you can take to start to rebuild the trust in your relationship.  It's important for both partners to be on board for this.  One person in a relationship cannot rebuild the trust if the other is not willing to try.

1.  Agree To Work Together:

It's important that you both agree to work together to repair the damage that has been done.  You must Both understand and agree to the following steps.  So take the time to read through them, discuss them, and come to some kind of agreement.  This will be the start of rebuilding the trust in a relationship.

2.  Talk About The Problem:

Communication is very important in a healthy relationship.  You both must be willing to use effective communication when dealing with problems in your relationship.  The first Biggie is don't blame or accuse!  All That will do is create resistance, conflict and more deception.  You must try to remember, even when your anger or pain is very active, to focus on how what they did made you feel. Instead of saying "I hate it when you (?????), Your such a (????)"  Try saying, "I feel hurt and unloved when your not home", "I feel scared and worried when I don't here from you" Always try to start your sentences with "I Feel" statements rather then "You..." or "It makes..." statements. You want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view.

This will take some time to get used to if it's not something you already do, so be patient with each other while you are learning. But remember, you want your partner to hear what you have to say, how you feel and to understand your point of view. If your partner isn't being attacked they will be more willing to listen, empathize, and discuss the problem.

3.  Explain Why Things Went Wrong:

If rebuilding trust in your relationship is important to you, and you are the one who deceived your spouse, then you need to know how important an explanation is for your behavior.  Without a reasonable explanation your spouse will feel out-of-control and it will be very difficult for them to move on. First, it's important to acknowledge your spouses feelings, listen attentively and hear what they are saying and feeling.  Don't try to explain your behavior away, or blame your behavior on them.  And giving an explanation to quickly will feel false, like there is something you are hiding.  So, when your spouse asks for an explanation then that's when you give one.  Be honest! If you went out with the girls/guys and didn't say anything to your spouse, then tell them why, but don't forget to start out with what you were feeling -  "I didn't want to feel left out", "I felt they would think I was whipped". Were you unfaithful? How about -  "I feel you don't have time for me anymore."  Remember to focus on the feelings underlying what happened without blaming a partner for what happened (see, talk about problems).

4.  Understanding Your Partner's Feelings:

Understanding how our spouse feels is important if you are trying to rebuild trust in a relationship.  The lose of trust can be a very painful experience.  Your spouse could be feeling hurt, confused, angry and sad.  It is important to try and understand each other's point of view - to understand the feelings and emotions. Understanding will help you both to move beyond negative feelings.  Try to see the situation from the others point of view and understand why the other person is so upset - "you are really mad and hurt...you have every right to be, I messed up".  Basically agree that your spouses feelings are right and let them know that you understand. Understanding why a person is upset will help defuse the situation and make it easier to get through it. Take the time to understand each others feelings, it will benefit your relationship immensely.


5.  Apologize:

When rebuilding trust in your relationship it helps to apologize correctly.  Yes, there is a correct way!  First of all don't apologize to quickly, most people do.  Apologizing to quickly when caught doing something wrong only sounds insincere.  It only looks like your trying to appease your spouse instead of feeling genuinely sorry.  Once again, it's important to first make your spouse feel that you understand how they feel.  That you have listened to what it is they have to say.  Then just apologize..."I'm sorry I hurt you....I was wrong"  You don't need to carry it out, but be sincere.

6.  Forgiveness:

Forgiveness and commitment are as important in a healthy relationship as honesty is.  Remember, we are all fallible, we all make mistakes. For any relationship to work we must be willing to forgive our spouse for mistakes made.  Forgiveness gives you a Chance to start over.  If you have both practiced the steps given, then it should be easy to forgive.  When you understand what another is feeling then forgiving them just naturally follows.  Let them know that you are glad they expressed how they felt, that they apologized, that you understand and forgive them. Once you have forgiven them it's important that you never bring up what they did in a accusing manner. That just shows that you haven't forgiven them and that anything they do will be used against them in the future.  There goes honesty! And trust.

7.  Promises:

Once trust has been violated in a relationship and the steps above have been made, then the final step is to make a promise agreement.  This can be written down and signed by both people, kind of a contract.  This is an important step in rebuilding trust in a relationship where the trust has been broken.  If followed it will help to rebuild the trust.

This is a promise about future behavior and mutually agreed upon, something that can be accomplished and related to the trust that was broken.  If you didn't phone home when you were going to be late, then the promise should be that you will phone home everyday (for a month) when you leave work.  Do Not Break these promises that you both agree to, it can do more harm then the original mistake.  So make sure that they are reasonable and do-able.

Remember a relationship is only as good as what you put into it.  So put your heart into it. Good Luck.

Please check out my other posts on Trust in relationships:




Building Trust In Your Relationship  and Trust In A Relationship-Is It Important?

Building Trust In Your Relationship

Building trust in your relationship is vitally important for a long term healthy relationship.  So how do you build trust in a relationship and maintain it.  Well, hopefully you or your mate aren't compulsive lier's and if that is the case then I would suggest some professional counseling.  Otherwise, please read on and we will discuss the important factors to building trust in your relationship.

There are several important rules to maintaining a trusting honest relationship.  These tips are great if you are just starting out so be sure to read them, discuss them with your date and make a promise to each other to try to maintain them. If you are in a long term relationship and are having problems with the trust issue then the following tips will give you a clear goal to reach, but you may want to read upcoming articles that will help you and your mate rebuild the trust in your relationship.

The first thing you always want to do in any relationship is to be predictable.  Always do what it is you say you are going to do.  If you are to be someplace at a particular time, then its important to be there at that time.  If you promise to call, then call.  It's really not that hard, and no it doesn't mean you are whipped!  It shows the person that you care about that you value your relationship with them.

Be honest about how you are feeling.  Don't tell your mate that dinner at ??? is fine when you can't stand their food.  It will show up in how you act and carry yourself.  Just be honest.  Let them know how you feel and suggest another place. When we try to hide how we feel then it shows up in other ways, being irritated, cranky, and leaves your mate wondering what it was they did wrong.  Just be honest.

Don't keep secrets (unless it for a surprise party for them).  Secrets not only create a situation where you will have to tell more lies but they will eventually reveal themselves, and when they do they trust will be broken, plain and simple.  Plus keeping secrets creates a lot of anxiety which is really bad for you, so just be truthful.

Saying NO is Okay, so if your mate asks you to do something your are uncomfortable doing or don't enjoy, or just plain don't want to then let them know.  There is nothing worse then finding out down the road that your mate really didn't want to do a particular thing for you.  I'm sure your response to them would be "Why didn't you tell me you didn't like that?"
That will create some doubt in your relationship, which can spiral out of control.  So don't be afraid to say NO.

If your mate asks, be honest about your past.  It's fine to let them know that your are not comfortable about opening up about some things, but knowing where you have been and what you have experienced will help them to understand you better. If they react negatively then it's best to know upfront rather then down the line.

In summary, building trust in your relationship will take work, and at times it can be scary.  It has a way of opening you up and making yourself vulnerable, but if your relationship is going to be a good one then it needs to start out with a lot of trust and honesty.